Narcissists always seem like good friends at first. So cool to hang out with, funny, laughing at all your jokes, confiding with you about meaningful parts of their lives. But then, especially when you appear to be more well-liked for being your genuine self, or when things seem to be going better for you in general, they turn.
The ones I met from elementary school through college, there was nothing especially noteworthy about the way we met. I mean, we were in school together. You make friends. We stayed friends for years (except one jerk in particular, who left school so that was that). Now over the years were they disparaging to me? Made the friendships all about them? Mean to me in front others? Absolutely.
I’m only still friends with four of them; all of which are doing great in their lives so their narcissistic traits have diminished. And only two of those I talk to really. Two, I cut out my life this year. One for talking about me behind my back so much — even to random dudes — and the other for being intentionally harmful to me and to my son. Feels great. I only was friends with them because I had been friends — so I thought — for so long.
The ones I met as an adult, that was either through work, mutual friends, or social media. Now most of them, they thought I was some weakling, ugly duckling. Because, unlike narcissists, I don’t come out the gate spitting my accomplishments. So they just thought I was a nice, quiet little divorcee, who wears her hair in a tired bun with some five-year-old thrift store dresses.
And they love that, until they notice people like me. That their friends enjoy my company, want me around more, think I’m better than them. It’s then that the rumors start flying and the secret hangouts happen. Or the mentally unstable texts start blowing up my phone, the macroaggressions (thanks for that term, Nneka, my real friend!) begin at work. Often times they just start creating whole lies and scenarios that never happened, again paired with strings of mentally unstable texts — often from Google Voice numbers after I’ve blocked them.
Usually it’s a lot of small things that lead to me realizing the “friendship” is over or needs to be. Sometimes, I can tell right when it happens.
At one of my old newsrooms, I was supposed to shadow a reporter on the crime beat. Cool. We’re in her car and she asks how my interview process was, how applying was. I tell her that I don’t really know, since they came to me and that the interviews were all just a formality. Chiiiiiile. She couldn’t even get her words together. I also learned that day to just smile and nod when colleagues — white transplants especially — ask about work stuff.
And at a career-related thing, I met a girl who seemed like she wanted to be my friend. I hung out with her doing what she wanted, which I hated but I was trying to be a friend. Then, she found out my accomplishments and my connections and almost immediately tried to plan my downfall. This was one of the most horrific narcissists I’ve ever encountered. Oddly enough, she came to me in the beginning saying she liked everyone but this one other girl. But I think she saw that girl didn’t care what people said. Me, on the other hand, I’m sensitive to reprimand. Perfectionists are excellent targets for narcissists.
Soon she began plotting what she hoped would be my demise. Spending a lot more time on that than working, unfortunately for her. Started trying to turn everyone against me, when oddly enough, I don’t care about what people on or below my paygrade think. Though it did make it uncomfortable when people were coming to me, when I wasn’t the one with the problem. She even texted me all crazy from Google Voice numbers long after the event. During the event, I learned via text — from others who were not there but have been in similar spaces with her — that she’s notorious for this. And after, I learned she did the same thing to another friend of mine. I could have and should have stopped that!
Something I learned too late: If you know your friend is going to interact with someone who is problematic, TELL THEM. My friends didn’t tell me for a few reasons, but mostly because they didn’t want to seem like they were being messy or hating. It’s the same reason I didn’t tell my friend. Now I know better.
These are, I think, some of the biggest signs of narcissists:
- Want to be around when you appear down, weak, ugly, unhappy, broken.
- Act like you’re a bad friend for not wanting to do what they want.
- Speak negatively about you to others in a “joking” way.
- Are eager to become best friends.
- Loud and grand, always wanting to take over the conversation.
- Looking confused or upset when it’s others’ turn.
- Highly critical of how they appear to others, even when it’s clear no one is watching.
- Talk to themselves on social media from their own accounts.
- Never want to see other people happy or loved, unless they are still “below” them.
- Always wanting to be the leader of the friend group.
- Of course, obsession with self-image and images of self. The type that isn’t a paid influencer but will make you wait to eat your own food so they can take a photo. The type that is not a paid model but will make you take multiple photos of them without ever finding the right one.
It only took about 15 narcissists to make me maybe finally understand them. Hopefully you figure it out sooner than I did.
Top Posts