Congeniality comes easily to me, but actual friendship is difficult. Maybe it’s because I grew up an only child and grandchild; maybe it’s because I lost my family at 17; maybe it’s because I chose one of the world’s most solitary careers. Not exactly sure why, but noticing people struggle with a lack of real life personal interaction during the COVID-19 pandemic made me realize it wasn’t affecting me like it was most people. Then I realized it’s because I don’t have many active friendships.
Now, I can keep a friend. With few exceptions, my best friends from elementary, middle, high school and college are still my best friends today. Most of them live states away, and have for years, but we keep in touch and would do anything for each other. It’s just that we can go months without talking, months without seeing each other, but nothing feels different. I guess those are more lazy friendships.
I’m talking about the friendships like on Girlfriends and Insecure, where you go out with your friends and have them over to your house. I want that, I think, so I’ve been intentional about active friendships.
Before, I’ve thought about how I freak out when someone wants to be my new friend. Usually it’s people who see me on social media and DM me to say I seem cool, always have something interesting to say, etc. But social media is kinda my job, so they only know what I feel like sharing. Then of course I inevitably disappoint them with parts of me they’d never seen, they block-unblock or fully block and it chips away a teeny itsy bitsy teeny tiny miniscule minute almost insignificant bit at my spirit.
But. That almost only happens with white women, white women transplants to be precise.
So when two different fellow women of color — one Indian and one Black — DM’ed me on Twitter to hang out, after a few months of Twitter friendship, I decided I would accept. Both friend dates were amazing! We relate on so many levels, are in similar fields, and had hours of fun! I plan on hanging out with them again soon and I might even have them over at the same time. Usually I like to keep my friends separate, outside of parties, but I think they’d get along great together, and even with my other friends I’ve had for at least a decade.
How will I nurture new friendships and keep them active? I love schedules and lists, so — as … not cold, but … anal? meticulous? as it sounds — I’m keeping a list of friends I need to connect with, maybe once a month. Coffee, drinks, happy hour, dinner, walks. It’s so easy for me to connect with new friends, but I’m equally good at just walking away to go be alone. Maybe I’ll even try this with men soon. A big maybe.
