Why am I convincing myself that I’m not a relationship type? That I’m happy just ringing all my friends in my phonebook when I need a plus-one. Recently I went to the Walmart in Gentilly Woods, and I saw these little New Orleans Saints pajamas. Well that made me start thinking of how cute it would be to have matching Saints pajamas with somebody’s son, my son, maybe another baby or two — all that stuff. And looking for an affordable white elephant gift (couldn’t find one, but maybe I’ll try the Walmart in the East instead), I started thinking wouldn’t it be nice if I were seriously dating some nice man, and he’d count on me to do that sort of thing. The buying of gifts, wrapping gifts, sending out Christmas cards, making gumbo and inviting all his family over, doing a little Super Bowl party where he could invite all his friends.
This is learned behavior, I guess a trauma response.
But I tell myself that I don’t want any of that. Why?! Knowing I get mad as Hell when someone I used to casually date or … not date, not even chicken-wings-and-fries-date goes and gets married and has a whole family and decked out nursery etc. I guess I just historically learned that men don’t seem to do well with waiting and relationships etc.
When I was in my 20s, I definitely had a three-month rule. For this reason, I wouldn’t get past three dates because the men would see quickly that they wouldn’t get anything out of me. So I didn’t compromise my morals, but I also had the most nonexistent love life.
Things in the game done changed.
Now, I’m 38 with a whole divorce and kid under my belt. Like so many others my age. I could do — and have tried — the whole friends-with-benefits thing. That’s wild to me personally, because the guys’ benefits outweigh the “friendship,” and truly I coulda had a V-8. If I want something just physical (I don’t), I could just ask pretty much anyone.
I want MORE. Recently I ran into a friend I have a seasonal crush on, who I definitely thought I was over but the lie detector proved that was lie. Anyway of course I had a little to drink, so I called and texted my best friend to squeal in her ear and such. She asked if I slept with him yet, and I shook my head in disgust and confusion. No ma’am! Could I? Yeah, he’s a man. Would I? Fold me up like a Gap holiday sweater, Lawd! Siri, play “On It” by Jazmine Sullivan and Ari Lennox! However. He’s a good man. And I’d rather just be his friend and nothing more, than to sleep with him a few times and that’s it.
My most recent dates.
Just say no to Netflix and chill
A week or so ago, a fellow journalist was in town for work. He DM’ed me and said he wanted to hang out. I’m rarely online, so I took it as a sign to kick it with him. Again, he’s a good man from what I could tell. Not married, working in his field and doing quite well. Not from New Orleans. So I get all cute and stuff, even a little excited/nervous thinking maybe drinks and a little late night snack. Chile he just wanted to Netflix and chill. My God. In his defense, he was giving Netflix and chill energy and hints, and I could’ve maybe said something sooner. But I hadn’t been on a date in months, haven’t seen a man in inside clothes in a year and a a half, so I was just giving him the benefit of the doubt. He kissed me, I felt nothing; eventually I politely left and apologized for any disappointment and confusion.
“You gonna tell your girls I made you pay for our drinks.”
Maybe a month ago I went out with one of the men who was working in front my house for practically a year. Cute, though he has twists or something and I don’t do long hair. So I was just like OK well lemme see if I remember how dating works. He picked me up and we went to Addis, and on the way there I talked about how great the lamb is. “Ohhh, I’m a vegan,” he says. I tell him that’s no issue, because the vegan dishes are great too. Chile he ordered shrimp. Shrimp. Again, I give him the benefit of the doubt. So I suggest we go to a great Black-owned speakeasy. He loves it and I’m so glad! Then he made me pay for the drinks. Of course, that was our first and last date.
To be clear, I wish the aforementioned men all the happiness in the world. Just not with me, currently.
I feel like Joan Carol Clayton, Esq.
What do I want? My friend Jasminne told me a year ago to write a list of all the things (well, 300 but that’s a lot) I wanted in life ever. What kind of man, all that stuff. And I’ve accidentally done the scripting thing where people ended up literally saying what I thought they’d say, all the times I envisioned it. A few days ago I started my list and wow things are already happening or going in that direction. So, just to make this … IDK sort of a Bumble profile, if I were ever fully open on there, (I like to win, so I have to keep it cute) I’ll write a little list of what I want.
Who is he?
- His friends and family love me
- Gets along well at all my events where I need a plus one
- Intellectual!
- Loves God
- faithful and loyal!
- Is kind to pretty much everyone
- Obviously physically attractive to me and vice-versa
- He includes me in all parts of his life
- Takes care of me and supports me in ALL the ways
- Is serious about his health, including mental
- Shows me off and, as they say, loves me out loud
Who are we?
Disclaimer: That’s if there is a “we” as in marriage. I am a marriage girl, a title girl. I crave SECURITY and marriage provides that. If marriage is never a possibility, it won’t work for me. Not saying rush to get married tomorrow, but if he’s just not a marriage person at all then it’s a no for me, dawg.
- To host our friends and families often
- Matching Saints pajamas
- Sending out Christmas cards/newsletters
- For people to see me and ask about him, and vice-versa
- To live a life with many traditional gender roles, but feeling comfortable going beyond that (I wanna learn how to gut fish and clean ducks and all that, I can teach him how to make gumbo or whatever).
- He grills the meat and I make the sides
- Beaches, balconies, boats, all that.
- Arrive together, leave together (for the most part)
- Involved in a few organizations together
- Happy parents!
- Church on Sunday (God please be Catholic, or something else that’s not very long.)
